


take me back to a better time

by orphan_account



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: But In Space, F/F, Platonic Karamel, Road Trips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2018-10-13 17:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10518669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: She's too late to stop the ship from making the jump, too late to save Alex the way she's been saved so many times before. Alex isn't dead, but the tearing of her heart into pieces as she watches the ship disappear feels like it.





	1. Chapter 1

There’s a lot to take in as she watches the stars. Her body is cold, the warmth gone the further she is from earth, and all she can think is that she’ll probably never find it again. She’ll probably never find the source of the heat that used to lie coiled in the pit of her stomach again. 

Somewhere out there, she thinks, is her anchor, her one thing that she can’t lose. The stars are calling out to her, begging her to come to them, but she can’t focus on that, can’t focus on the way the Phantom Zone has stretched across galaxies to brush against her mind. She can’t focus on anything but finding Alex, finding the answers to all the things left unsaid between them. 

A hand on her shoulder interrupts her thoughts, pulls her back to where she’s standing by the window. Kara turns, looks at Mon-El for a second before burying her face in his broad chest. He’s hard muscle and the scent of pine, a reassurance that someone is there, that someone cares when everyone else just carries on as if nothing’s wrong, as if nothing’s missing. 

“You look like you needed this,” he murmurs as he returns her embrace, wraps her in a hold that’s just tight enough that she can feel it. “Have you heard anything?” 

She pulls away, shaking her head. This far out from Sol, she can’t tell what’s real and what’s just wishful thinking. Her senses are dulling, becoming closer to what they used to be on Krypton. If they enter a system with a red sun, she’s not sure she’ll be able to handle the loss of power that’s given her the one thing that's been a comfort to her for a decade and a half. 

“There’s nothing. Not that I expected to find anything because space is this weird vacuum of just nothing, but you’d think I’d pick up on some kind of frequency or something.” 

She starts to ramble, to go on about the ways in which space should and shouldn’t work according to the last datasets she’d been able to get a look at before her parents had sent her away. If Mon-El isn’t interested, he doesn’t say, seemingly content to stand there and listen as she makes a fool of herself, but she can’t help it, can’t help but want to distract herself from her thoughts. 

She can’t help but want to distract herself from reliving all the ways Alex has been rejecting her for months, the ways she’s been pulling away. It makes her angry, makes her want to find Alex, to demand the answers she’s never gotten. 

It makes her want to take Alex into her, to make her a part of herself so that she never hurts, never goes missing from her life. It’s wrong in all the ways it’s right, that desire, a selfishness that she can’t let herself feel after everything that Alex has given up for her. 

Kara will find her, will burn the universe if she must, and then they’re going to talk. 


	2. Chapter 2

She’s engulfed in darkness. It’s not the normal kind, not the kind that’s not really darkness, that still retains some of the light from the world around it. This is complete darkness, all around her a total black that she can’t escape from no matter how she turns. 

It makes her question things, makes her wonder if she’s even moved or if it’s just an illusion her mind has created to comfort her. She’s always aware of her body, of the tension and release of her muscles, the way they work together to help her move but this? The feeling of not knowing if her body even works? 

It scares her, that feeling of not knowing. She’s a scientist by training and a soldier by trade. Knowledge is a weapon she’s familiar with, one she’s used since she was a little girl. To be without it now leaves her feeling naked, vulnerable in a way that she hates, that she wishes she’d never have to feel just so that she could forget just how easily she can break. 

“Shake your arm.” 

She looks around uselessly for the low voice. She can’t see anything and it frustrates her, makes her want to scream. It makes her want to break something, to hurt just to feel something other than this blank numbness. 

“Shake your arm. It helps.” 

“Who…where are you?” 

“Here. In the dark. Been here for a while, before you ask, but I don’t know how long.” 

She frowns, thinks she frowns, before doing as she’s told. At first, it feels like the same illusion of motion but then the pain from the shaking begins and she almost wants to laugh, almost wants to cry at how good it feels to feel her own body again. She still can’t tell if she’s moving when she turns, but it doesn’t matter. 

“Who are you?” 

There’s a laugh, shuffling. She’s not alone, not isolated in this place without light. She’s scared but she’s not, the voice adapting to a comforting timbre. 

“I’m just a traveler. Not even from this dimension. Who are you?” 

And isn’t that the question of the day? She doesn’t know how to answer, how to describe the things she can’t be anymore. She doesn’t know if she is what she used to be anymore, if she can be after what she’s pulled, what she’s done by going rogue and what she’s sacrificed for her father. 

So, she settles for what feels true. 

“I’m Alex. A human.” 

“Well, Alex a human, have you tried sitting? They put a light in here at one point so I can guarantee that the floor isn’t gross. It’s even probably at a normal distance from your body. I don’t know. Never met a human.” 

She frowns, notes the way the voice sounds as she moves to do as she’s told. She can’t help but be curious. 

“Are you male?” 

“Yes? At least by most standards. I don’t know what humans think of as male.” 

She smiles despite herself. Hopefully, whoever he is isn’t horny in a lot of ways. She’s not sure she can fend off a lonely alien in need of company, not like this when she has the tactical disadvantage. 

“Aren’t you going to sit? I promise you, it really isn’t that gross and I can keep my distance.” 

She wants to refuse, to keep standing, to keep the advantage, but she’s tired. Now that she’s aware again, her legs hurt from standing so long and all she wants to do is collapse in that spot, let herself fall to the ground. She doesn’t quite do that, but it’s close enough when she sits. 

There's relief when, after a while, she feels nothing approach, feels nothing touching her. Whoever this alien is, he doesn't seem the sort to touch what's not his to touch. He doesn't seem like much, if she's being honest with herself. 

Still, she's curious, has always been curious, so she leans back on her hands, squints. Nothing meets her sight. The world is still black, is still blank, and it's all she can do not to scream, not to lash out like she's been doing lately, been doing since she's met Maggie, if she's honest with herself. 

“You have family, Alex a human? Friends?” he interrupts her thoughts. “Lovers, maybe?” 

“Lovers?!” She's sure that if her eyes could be seen, they'd be wide, staring. “As in…as in multiple?” 

There's a rustling of clothes, almost as if this stranger on the ship with her shrugs. She'd laugh at the absurdity of it, but she doesn't feel much like laughter, doesn't feel much like anything besides the dull ache in her chest that misses Kara, misses the way she'd still rushed to her aid even after everything. 

She doesn't know why she thinks of her now, doesn't know why Kara is the one she misses most, except maybe she does. Maybe she knows and she's just waiting for it to go away like it used to before she'd said those things to her. 

“Where I'm from, monogamy was valued in civilised areas but there were a few places I'd gone to where the old customs still live. Multiple lovers were allowed.” 

“That's…that's something.” 

“It is. Mind if I ask you questions now? Was preparing to go to Earth when I got snatched up by these guys.” 

She's the one that shrugs this time. “No wonder you speak my language. Go ahead.” 

“Are there many more of you on your planet? I admit that I wasn't a very good student. I tried to learn but there was only so much I could retain of numbers related even vaguely to science. I kind of hate that subject a lot, though I once knew someone who loved it.” 

“Billions,” she answers, surprised. “Wait, does that translate into anything in your culture and language?” 

“It does. Thank you for asking.” 

* * *

 

She's tired. Talking to this stranger, to this man she can't see, is exhausting. He's too nice, too polite and curious for her to trust, to believe he's real. He’s too hard for her to get a read on from just his voice and it frustrates her, makes her want to find a way to turn on the lights and see what he looks like just to figure him out. 

She wonders if he feels the same, if there's that level of need in his questions. She wonders if he feels that same frustration from her even tone, her lack of inflection other than curiosity and mild amusement. 

“You're no longer energetic, Alex. Are you feeling alright? Do you need to stop? To sleep?” 

“How…?” 

“Time doesn't really flow properly in the dark. It's hard to tell when it is, much less if there's a night or day. Nor that either exists when you're on a ship but still. The principle stands, doesn't it?” 

“Yeah, it does.” 

“I'd offer you the bed but I don't know that either of us could find the other in this darkness, much less find the bed again. It's…disorienting.” 

She nods, not caring that he can't see her. Disorienting barely begins to describe what the dark is doing to her feelings, to her physiological reactions. It doesn't begin to describe how much she's shaking, how much her own inability to control her more irrational fears bothers her. 

She lies back, hands in front of her. She doesn't quite trust him, doesn't trust this stranger whose curiosity so reminds her of Kara, of all the things she's done wrong recently. She doesn't trust the way he makes her feel like this is her new normal, her new thing. 

Alex knows that she's made a lot of mistakes, knows that she's done a lot of things in the last few days that she regrets but trusting this man will not be one of them. Trusting that he will not kill her, will not do her harm is not a luxury she can afford at the moment. 

“You're smart not to trust me.” 

“I never said I didn't.”

“Maybe not but your silence spoke volumes. It'd be understandable, you know? You're on a strange ship in the dark, with a strange person you can't see. It's not weird to not trust me, if that's what you're thinking.” 

She smirks. “You're good but you're not that good. That is definitely not what I was thinking.” 

She doesn't give him anything else, won't give him anything else at the moment. Reveal too much and she runs the risk of him using it against her. Keep too much in and she'll lose him completely. It's a balance she needs to strike and she's given him more than enough for the moment. 

She sighs, turns onto her side. She feels so tired, all of a sudden and there's little of interest to keep her awake now, little to keep her from succumbing to sleep’s sweet embrace. 

She knows this, has no choice but to accept that in the moment. She has no choice but to close her eyes, at least she thinks she does, and let herself drift off into an even deeper dark than she's surrounded with. 

Her last thought after that is a wish for blonde hair and strong arms. After that, there is nothing. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note. The version of Mon-El I'm using is a combination of my own OC version of him and canon. A lot of the pre-relationship stuff happened but this one took a different route after that.

There’s a sound on the edge of her hearing. She isn’t sure what it is, what it’s doing, but it’s there and she can’t seem to get rid of it. Kara shivers as it wraps around her, plays a hollow tune in her head as she paces through the ship. She doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t want to think about what it means, but there’s something there that she recognizes, a low humming that she should know.

She thinks about asking Mon-El about it, thinks about asking him if he knows what it is, but she shakes that thought away. He wouldn’t know, wouldn’t be able to help her, and even if he did, she’s not sure that she wants his help.

Kara can still feel the way he punched her when he woke up, can still feel the way his words pierced into her when he’d spoken out about her heroism. He’s changed, she knows that, made up for it in a dozen different ways, but she’s still not sure about him, still not ready to ask for anything beside the comfort he so willingly offers.

She sighs, rests her head against the wall of the ship. She’s so tired of this already, just wants her sister back. Alex is the only one she’s sure of, the only one she trusts without hesitation. Everyone else remains a question mark, a vague approximation of trust that comes and goes but Alex? Alex is everything and Kara needs her back, needs her by her side if only because she knows how to make everything better, how to make it make sense again.

Her fingers curl into a fist as she remembers not knowing Alex was on that ship when she’d taken off for the warehouse, remembers not knowing that she’d been in danger. If she’d just given her this much more attention, done what she’d asked, maybe they wouldn’t be in this situation. Maybe they wouldn’t be apart when Kara needs her more than ever now.

She remembers slamming Maggie into a wall at the D.E.O., remembers the way her anger had clouded her vision when she’d discovered that the other woman had known where Alex was and not told anyone. She’d wanted to shout that this wasn’t how “ride or die” worked, whatever that statement was worth, that this wasn’t what being there for Alex meant.

She’d wanted to scream, to blast her vision and hurt someone, something, anything, because without Alex she is nothing, can never be anything. She’d wanted to hurt because hurting something else would let her pretend, for one insignificant moment, that she wasn’t herself hurting.

* * *

 

Mon-El watches her. She can feel his eyes on her skin, can feel the way he hesitates before approaching, before hugging her close. For as much as she’d been hurt by him, she knows that she’s hurt him too, let her biases cloud her judgement and tried to force him into being something that he was never meant to be.

Alex had warned her away from that, had tried to show her a different way. She remembers that, remembers the way she’d mulled over their past over donuts and water in an effort to show her how to guide him, had tried to help, only to be disturbed by Lena’s appearance.

She remembers that, tries to overlay Alex’s words on Mon-El’s gaze and comes up short, comes up without something to hold onto. It hurts quite a bit, hurts more than she wants to admit, but she squares her shoulders, moves closer to him.

“Hey.”

“Oh, hey. What’s up?”

She swallows, tries to meet his eyes. “Would you like to spar with me?”

“What?” He looks at her, confused. She wonders if there’s more to it than the idea that she’d want to fight him, share this part of herself with him. “I didn’t…Are you sure?”

She nods. “I need…I need to be prepared and the other aliens on this ship…I don’t really want to fight them.”

She doesn’t say how much she wants to punch him, how much she wants an excuse to hurt him. He’d taken her away from Alex, stolen her attention away from her when her sister when Alex had needed her most.

Kara doesn’t blame him for this, doesn’t think he’s the reason they’re here on this ship. She knows that he’d only been trying to help, that he’d only been concerned that Jeremiah was trying to hurt them. She doesn’t blame him for losing Alex to C.A.D.M.U.S.’s plans, but it doesn’t stop her from wanting to hurt him for taking her away from Alex.

* * *

 

She lashes out, punches his nose. She’s careful with her strength, breaks it but does nothing more. He doesn’t say anything to that, doesn’t try to back away from her when he knows that he should, and for that, for that she’s grateful.

Instead, he kicks at her stomach, forces her to move to the side, lose her balance a little as she grits her teeth, grabs his leg and pulls. He topples over, falls onto his back as Kara lets go and pins him to the mat, arm to his throat.

“Do you submit?”

He smiles and Kara thinks she should have known better, should have trusted her instincts and not gone for something that left her so wide open, so vulnerable to attack. If Alex knew, she’d kill her, make her regret doing something so stupid, so unbelievably idiotic as to leave her without a defense.

Only, Alex isn’t here to guide her, to tell her what she’d done wrong and how to improve. She isn’t here to force her to look at her mistakes and _change_ , adapt so that she wouldn’t make them again. She’s somewhere that Kara can’t follow and that makes her so unbelievably mad, so pissed off, that she can’t help it when she lets herself get flipped over, leaves herself wide open to Mon-El’s knee on her chest.

“Do _you_ submit?”

Kara frowns, pushes hard against him. He doesn’t move, doesn’t give an inch and it’s all Kara can do to convince herself that this is fine, that he isn’t trying to kill her, to take her life the way she knows Daxamites have been itching to for years, knows that they’ve always wanted to with her house.

“Come on, Kara. You know I’m strong enough to keep you here all night.”

“Day and night are sentient concepts that don’t actually apply in space.” She pushes harder, sends him crashing into the mat. “Besides, I’m stronger.”

She pins him again, locking his arm behind him. He squirms under her but Mon-El is still weaker than her, still not pure Kryptonian the way Kara is. There’s no way he can throw her off, no way he can beat her without using Kryptonite or red sun radiation to weaken her the way Alex does when they train.

She presses down on him once, twice, before getting up. She pulls him with her, setting him on his feet before backing up and getting into a fighting stance once more.

“Again?”

She nods, motions for him to get into position. He whines about it a little but does as she asks, shaking his head and cracking his neck as he moves in place.

Cocky, Kara thinks when he moves to attack. Why are they always so cocky?

* * *

 

Mon-El hisses as Kara treats his bruises. She wants to call him a baby, tell him that she knows someone else who can keep up, who wears her bruises with a pride that she never knew anyone could, but she doesn’t.

Instead, she pats his back, traces the lines of his muscles. She wonders at the lack of them, wonders what kind of bodyguard doesn’t have the necessary anatomical structure to facilitate the kind of altercations someone like the Prince of Daxam would get into, but she doesn’t ask. She doesn’t want to know what else he’s hiding from her, what else she’s made herself blind to.

He turns to her then, frowns. Mon-El waves his hand in front of her face and she has to snap out of her thoughts, force herself back to her present and the man in front of her.

“Earth to Kara…”

“We’re not on Earth, Mon-El.”

“We’re not? Because you just blasted off and flew into oblivion on me. Didn’t think you could do that in space, you know?”

She smiles at him, a little amused at his attempt at humour. Reaching out, Kara ruffles his hair, much to his displeasure.

“Jeez, Supergirl. Do you know how long it took me to get this like that?”

“Way too long. I swear, you’re worse than Lucy.”

“Who’s Lucy? Is she hot? Are you open to threesomes?”

“And there’s the Mon-El I know and cringe at.” She rolls her eyes, pats his shoulder. “I am so glad we broke up before I decided to take you into space with me.”

“You don’t mean that. I was the perfect boyfriend.”

“Sometimes.”

“Kara…”

She shakes her head, offers him a smile. “There were nice parts and not nice parts. You and I both know that, don’t we?”

He sighs, nods and gets up. He offers his hand and she takes it, lets him pull her up before nudging his shoulder a little. He laughs and moves to wrap his arm around her shoulders but she ducks away, offers him an apologetic look. He deflates but nods, leaves the room without her following after him.

Kara rubs her eyes, wonders when things had gotten so complicated. She sighs, makes her way out of the locker room and into the corridor. She needs to know where they are, needs to know how far they are from civilization of any kind. She’d give anything for actual air around her and land beneath her feet, wonders how her aunt did this all those years ago when she would go off planet on diplomatic missions.

She heads to the navigation deck, is intent on asking the captain for their location. She needs to know if they’re any closer to Alex, if they can find her soon. She needs her rock, needs Alex to ground her and prevent her from destroying the universe just to find her.

Her fingers twitch and she has to stop and breathe, has to remind herself that those thoughts belong to a different Kara, one that was corrupted, infected with Lord’s synthetic Kryptonite so many months ago. She has to remind herself that that isn’t her, that that isn’t who she is at her core.

She waves at the various species she passes, wonders how many of them she was putting in danger with her trust in Jeremiah. She owes Mon-El for that, owes him for letting her know about the betrayal before it happened. She can’t hate him for that when she knows that if she’d not listened, none of these sentients would be free, would be able to travel back and forth between Earth and their homes.

She can’t hate him when he’d helped her. He didn’t have to and he still gave her a heads up. To be here now, she’s grateful for that, grateful for the opportunity to be of service when she had the ability to.

She grins at a Trogra, watches as they wave their arms at her. She notices the way they move stiltedly, stops them and thinks for a minute before recalling her Interlac lessons.

_“Did something happen, friend?”_

The Trogra stops, looks at her in surprise. She grins sheepishly.

_“I’m sorry. I don’t really know your native language but I remember that you’re part of the inter-galactic Alliance.”_

_“It is much appreciated, Supergirl.”_

_“Kara. You can call me Kara.”_

The Trogra makes an approximation of what Kara thinks is a smile. She grins back before sobering.

_“Did something happen to your lower left arm?”_

_“Nothing to be concerned about. Humans do not know their strength sometimes.”_

She frowns. _“No, they don’t. Do you mind if I take a look?”_

_“Surely you have something much more important, Kara?”_

She shakes her head. _“Come on to the medbay. They’ve yet to set up a proper examination component but I’m sure I can be of help.”_

_“Thank you. You don’t have to, but your aid is appreciated.”_

She waves it off. _“That’s not necessary. You can, however, help by gathering those who need medical attention. I’ll see to you first, of course.”_

The Trogra smiles again and Kara can finally feel the weight lifting from her chest a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes, comic purist fans. I know Interlac is a future thing but I sort of needed a universal language for Kara to speak so have fun with that.


	4. Chapter 4

“All I’m saying is that there’s a huge difference between a Kryptonian’s bonding and a human’s.”

Alex shakes her head.

“I don’t believe that. Ceremonies aside, there’s nothing all that different in both types of unions. Partners come together, out of love or necessity, they pledge their loyalties and they live together.”

“That’s a simple view of the similarities.” There’s amusement in his voice, something like an eagerness to speak that Alex can’t help but indulge. “I don’t get why you would break those bonds, though. Where I’m from, they last for life.”

Alex raises her eyebrow as she leans back against the wall she’s crawled to after they’d brought her back from their interrogation. She can’t believe that someone who sounds so weary would be so naïve. It doesn’t make much sense to her, not like this when he can say such oddly profound things.

“You can’t tell me that it actually does. How old are you anyway?”

“By my standards or yours?”

She shrugs. “Whichever one you’re more comfortable with. I don’t know how time passes for you.”

There’s a shuffling, a huff of frustration. She smiles a little as he starts mumbling, trying to do conversions that she’s sure he can’t do all that well. Alex has come to learn that her companion is pretty much completely disinterested in science and it amuses her, reminds her of Kara in a way that hurts and a way that doesn’t.

It’s a strange feeling, that. She can’t seem to figure out her own emotions about this, can’t figure out what it is about this traveler that makes her feel comforted despite herself. It bothers her, that comfort, annoys her that she can’t figure it out, but there’s something about him that intrigues her, makes her want to dig for more in a way that she hasn’t wanted to in a long time.

Finally, he falls silent for a moment before the shuffling begins again. He curses in a language she vaguely recognizes. She tries to remember where she’s heard it, tries to remember if she’s ever heard it before, but there’s nothing there.

“I’m nineteen by my planet’s standards,” he finally says. “I don’t know what that translates to in yours. I’m not good at math.”

Alex laughs a little. “I know someone who hates the conversions from her home planet’s equations to ours. She gave up science entirely just because it was too painful.”

“You…you do?”

“Yeah. I didn’t know you were so young. You’re practically a kid.”

He huffs in annoyance again.

“I’m a foremost member of my guild.”

Guilds. That catches her attention, starts filling in the blanks a little more. She can’t figure it out just yet, but there’s something familiar about him, something that she can’t figure out unless she gets him to talk more.

She shakes her head, leaves that for later. She can’t tell in the dark, but the atmosphere seems to have shifted, to have returned to something melancholy that she doesn’t want to think about too much.

Alex sighs, hits her head against the wall. She didn’t mean to do this, didn’t mean to turn the conversation in this direction. She’s messed up and she doesn’t know what to do about this, doesn’t know how to deal with someone she can’t read.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Huh?”

There’s a chuckle from his direction. “You tend to bang your head against the wall when you think you’ve done something messed up. The clang is weird.”

“Weird.”

“Yeah. Weird. Like hitting something soft against metal.”

“Human skulls aren’t soft.”

His laughter rings out. “I told you already. I’m not a human. “

“I know that but still. We’re not all soft and mushy masses of muscles and gore. We’re made of steel and bone and stone.”

“Seriously?”

Alex shrugs. “I thought I’d try it out. My sister is better at this.”

“You never mentioned you had a sister.”

“Foster sister. She’s…amazing and everything that’s right in the world.”

“You sound like you love her.”

Alex swallows, not sure how to reply. Just saying she loves her isn’t enough, doesn’t describe even half of how she feels about Kara and what she is to her. It doesn’t say much even when her own feelings are so much more than words can describe. When she thinks about it, it doesn’t really say anything at all.

She closes her eyes, watches as the darkness never changes. Somehow, their captors have managed to induce total darkness in their holding cell, have managed to make it so that even with the adjustments her eyes will naturally make, she can’t see anything, can’t tell anything about the room. She’s no longer disoriented, but it still bothers her, still makes her wonder what will happen next when everything falls apart again.

“I had a mother, you know.”

She smiles. “Everyone has a mother, kid.”

“Maybe, but I barely saw her. It was…weird. She was busy, a part of the ruling faction of our people and I was isolated, but she still tried, I think. She’d come back from different worlds with gifts and we’d spend entire days together.”

Alex swallows. “It sounds like your mother really loved you.”

There’s a shuffling, a thump as he drops back onto the bed. They’ve managed to switch a few times now, but he needs it more, needs it after this last round of torture when his screams had even reached their cell. Alex can still hear them ringing in her ears, can still see the way he’d been shaking in the dim light of the corridor when they’d thrown him back in.

He’s tall, she remembers, tall and solidly built, though not quite as broad as men with that description tend to be, but there’s something infinitely small about him. It makes her want to protect him, want to keep him safe in the same way she’s kept Kara safe all this time. It’s the two of them, after all, just the two of them on a ship of aliens that would not hesitate to kill them if they could.

There’s a clanging behind them that interrupts Alex’s thoughts, makes her close her eyes. She doesn’t want to have to face this so soon, doesn’t want to have to watch him be dragged out again, unable to do anything to help him, but she’s useless in her condition.

There’s a clicking noise that follows as two of the orderlies shuffle inside, grab her companion’s arms and hauls him to his feet. He surges forward, tries to punch the one on his right, but he’s subdued quickly. Alex chokes a little, moves to help him, but there’s a prodding in her back, a shock that runs up her body, and she’s slumping over, the contents of her stomach threatening to spill out.

She watches as they drag him out, close the door behind them. Alex wants to chase after them, to find them and rescue the boy, but she can’t even move, can’t get up from her position curled up on the ground. She hits it uselessly, tries to stand only to fall back weakly onto her stomach.

She growls, tries to stand again. This time she makes it a few seconds before she falls again, the edges of her consciousness closing in on her.

* * *

 

The door opening again wakes her, brings her back into consciousness quickly. She looks around for the boy but he’s not with them and her heart sinks. She hopes he’s still alive, hopes that he’s somehow managed to survive, but the odds are against him, are pretty much not even in her favour.

The aliens approach her, their mandibles clicking as they grab her. She struggles but they’re too strong for Alex, their grip bruising as they drag her out of the room. She twists and turns in their hold, tries to get out, but there’s nothing more she can do but wiggle in their hold.

There’s a clicking and then a fist is being pushed into her side with more force than she’s used to from these aliens. The air is forced out of her and Alex has to wheeze as she falls to the floor, their grip suddenly slack as they subdue her. Each hit is like fire, breaking skin and rendering her bloody with the effort to survive as she tries to fight back.

Only, it’s no use when they’re stronger than her, better fed and more rested. Her body has been denied even the light and there’s little she can do now to save herself, much less anyone else when they start to drag her across the ground. She groans, each bump on the floor from their uneven gait feeling more like a sack of vegetables than a human.

If she didn’t know better, she’d say that her bones were rattling in her body, tendons cut away so that they’re released from the pull of her muscles, but she’d be screaming in pain if that were the case, Alex knows. She’d be in constant agony with each movement, more so than she is in now, but she wishes for it anyway, wishes that she’d hurt so much that she would black out to just not feel it anymore.

When they toss her onto a hard, raised surface, Alex groans. The metal table is cold against her skin, seeping through her clothes until it starts to burn. She should be used to this, used to the beginning of their torture, but it’s always a shock, that first feeling of cold against her skin.

Hands clamp down on her wrists, presses them into restraints on the edge of the table before her upper and lower arms are tied off. Her struggles are weaker now, lacking the energy she had before. There’s a tutting to her side and her jailer arrives, his humanoid shape marred by the cracked horns curling around his head and neck.

“Do be quiet, human. You won’t get out of those restraints anytime soon.” He scrunches his face and mutters in the guttural language she’s grown used to, though she still doesn’t understand it. “If only we could somehow implant my language into your brain. English is atrocious in form and sound.”

He motions to his assistants, points to a series of instruments and another bed. There’s a lot of clicking and flurried activity as Alex tries to get a look at the familiar profile, but they strap her head in, force her to look ahead as they cut her clothes away.

“Ah yes. The Kryptonian.”

Alex’s brow furrows. Kryptonian? As far as she knows, the only other Kryptonians are still in Fort Rozz, still trapped where Kara had left them in suspended animation.

“It’s a pity he’s from another dimension that remains locked to us. I’d love to get my hands on more of his kind. They do yield the most interesting results.”

Alex watches with horror as he extracts something from the boy. He shakes it around, looks at it in the light before inserting the sample into a centrifuge of some kind. That he’s doing something she’s done time and time again isn’t lost on her, but there’s something more insidious about it, something about the way his eyes gleam when he looks at her that makes her want to scrub her skin raw.

“A little lesson in Kryptonian genetics for you. While they are more than capable of reproducing in much the same way as humans, their biology is such that it can adapt to and mix with any and all other carbon based beings. If you know the process used in their famous birthing matrix you can do anything.” He chuckles. “Well, almost anything. The viability of any child depends on the strength of those who carry them, wouldn’t you agree?”

She shudders, tries to move away as he approaches her with a syringe, but her movements are too limited. There is nowhere for her to go, no way to run as he strokes her hair, runs a finger down her cheek.

“A bit angular in the face, but you’ll do nicely for my buyers. They’ve had no issue with being supplied women like you before, and the fact that you’re a fighter will add to your price nicely.” He nods to himself as he presses the needle into her skin. “Yes, you and the boy will earn me a hefty profit if sold as a pair.”

More clicking and he looks at his assistants, irritated. “I know that, but what do I care if the goods are damaged after they’re sold. If they don’t make it I’ll have another order within the week. It’s perfectly good business.”

“It’s barbaric, what you’re doing. Slavery is-”

“A business like any other and one in which you, my dear, are the prime commodity. Don’t get me wrong. I have a distaste for the trade myself, but business is business and one must do something to survive, am I right?”

“There are other things.”

“Like what? Scholarship? Science? Labour? My dear girl, I come from a long, prestigious line that has never seen hard work for even a day. I’m not about to break such a lovely tradition for something as trifling as your human morality when I could be making money instead.”

“It’s not morality. It’s decency.”

He tilts his head.

“Ah, so you’re the one Kara Zor-El cares for most.” He laughs at her confused look. “She’s become quite famous over the past year, and her mother used to say the same thing to slavers before she’d sentence them to the Phantom Zone. Years and years, stuck in that lifeless place with no way of knowing how long had passed. It’s a cruel punishment, my dear, and one that I’ve experienced enough to know that I’ll be prepared when her daughter comes for you.”

He laughs as he pulls the plunger up, extracts her blood and places it in the centrifuge with the boy’s.

“Oh, it is so fortunate that I have met both of you on this day. My boys and I are going to make such a large fortune from this sale alone. I should thank you, you know. Now I can retire from this this horrible trade and find myself a nice piece of land somewhere. Perhaps under a blue sun. They do have the most amazing sunsets, you know. Someone like you couldn’t even _imagine_ what it’s like under one of those.”

She tries not to listen to him as he goes on and on, tries not to wonder if this creature even cares about those he sells when she knows the answer already. She feels a coldness creeping on her with every word that falls from him, her prey instinct gaining increasing dominance over every other instinct she has until she’s trembling with fear in a way she hasn’t felt in a long time.

She’s alone and at this alien’s mercy, watching as he does something with her and the boy’s blood that she doesn’t want to think about. When he turns to Alex with the syringe, filled this time with some kind of white substance, she closes her eyes and hopes beyond hope that in the next few minutes Kara will find them.


	5. Chapter 5

She sits back with a sigh, drinks from her water as she looks around the med bay. They’re going to have to stock up soon, going to have to get the various machines and scanners up and running before they hit the next system.

Kara wants to help, wants to do as much as she can for these people, but she’s growing tired the further from the earth’s yellow sun they get, losing the energy she usually has. There’s only so long until the next jump and then they’ll be under a red sun, only so long until she feels like she did back on Krypton.

_“Are you okay Kara Zor-El?”_

She looks up at the Thanagarian who speaks to her, musters a smile. He’s been a surprisingly good companion, but she supposes she shouldn’t be surprised about that. She shouldn’t be surprised about anything really, not when she’s out here, out in the void she tries so hard to escape all the time.

_“I’m fine Kaldon. Are you okay with going back to Thanagar? It isn’t really the best place for pacifists right now.”_

He smiles at her and she forces herself to relax a little. He doesn’t need to pick up on her discomfort when he’s going back to a war.

 _“I can deal with the rising tensions just well.”_ He sits next to her, hands her a mug. She coughs at the bitterness of the ale in it. _“I’m more concerned about your well-being. You seek someone important and yet you’re here instead of with the captain. Is there an issue, my friend?”_

She shakes her head, leans against him for a moment. He’s strong, stronger than most of the ship’s passengers, but there’s a sense of peace about him, something comforting about the way he closes his wings around her that makes her relax into his hold.

He wraps around her and she sighs, pats his leg in a rhythm that only she can hear. He lets her, rubs her back as she breathes in and out, forces her body to unclench.

_“I’m just trying to earn my passage, the same as everyone else.”_

_“You don’t need to do that. Any ship would be happy to carry a scion of the great house of El.”_

She snorts. _“This isn’t a normal ship though. Everyone else is a refugee returning home. I’m just hitching a ride here with my…something.”_

_“He is not your lover?”_

Kara blushes. She’s over Mon-El, truly over him, but the implications of that word still make her nervous, embarrassed in a way she hasn’t been in a long time.

_“We’re not…that anymore. We’re just friends, kind of.”_

_“Friends? I did not think that possible with the way he looks at you. There is hunger there, and need. I fear that he may act on it soon.”_

_“I can handle myself. Even without my powers, I know how to fight him off if I need to.”_

_“That that is something you should consider is telling, my friend. Do you wish me to stay longer?”_

She shakes her head, nudges him forward. She doesn’t want to keep him away from his wife for too long, doesn’t want him to play bodyguard for her when it isn’t really necessary.

She smiles at him to take the sting out of it, presses her head against his arm for a second before pulling away, standing up. She raises her arms above her head, stretches out the kinks in her back before her smile widens into a grin and she points to where a familiar face is waiting.

_“Adeen is right on time to take you away, Kaldon. Try not to get into too much trouble with her.”_

He laughs, pats her leg as he gets up, leaves her alone to her thoughts. Kara tries not to let her disappointment show when he leaves, tries not to deflate as she watches his back disappear. The only good thing about this is the lack of patients waiting for her to scan them. She can finally relax, can finally slow down as she leans back, stares up at the ceiling.

If Alex was here, she would scowl, would have forced her to lay down much earlier, close her eyes. She’s always warned Kara about using her powers too much, always warn her about pushing too hard.  She sighs, closes her eyes anyway. Even when she isn’t here, Alex’s words have an odd sort of power over her, and she can’t resist the echo of her voice in her head, telling her to take it easy.

* * *

 

It’s dark when she wakes, darker that she expected it to be on a ship caught in the void of space. There is no night and day here, no way to tell the passage of time other than the clocks on board, but she’s sure it’s past the time when the ship goes to sleep.

She groans as she gets up, makes her way to the bridge. She’s slow as she opens up a communications channel, makes the call she doesn’t really have the energy for.

“Well, don’t you look like you’re on the edge of death.”

She laughs at the sound of Lena’s voice, shakes her head at the eyebrow she raises on screen. Lena smiles and it drains Kara of some of her exhaustion.

“I feel like it.” She shakes her head. “Thanks for answering. I wasn’t sure that you would after how we left things…”

“You mean when you dropped the bomb that you’re the cousin of the man who put my brother in prison? Or when you revealed that I don’t really know my best friend?”

She looks down, embarrassment flooding her cheeks as she tries not to think about all the lies she’s had to tell since she came to earth. There’s something hot and ugly in the pit of her stomach, something that tells her just how lucky she is that Lena even deigns to talk to her when she could ignore her.

There’s a sigh in front of her, a shifting of clothes and papers. She looks up in time to see Lena move from her desk to the couch. She looks tired, looks like dealing with the fallout of her mother’s latest attempts at eradicating the alien presence in National City has taken more out of her than it usually does.

Kara wishes she could hug her, wishes she could offer her some form of comfort, but there’s not much she can do from her position in space, not much that she can do, period. She may have a lot of experience in dealing with Miss Grant’s opponents, but this is something she’s never had interest in, something she’s never wanted to look at, despite her degree.

She sighs herself, presses a hand to her eyes as she tries to think of something to say, something that might start the process of rebuilding what they used to be. She wants Lena to forgive her, to be her friend again, but she’s not sure if she deserves it, not sure if she deserves much of anything at the moment when all she can do is ruin everything that she touches.

“Kara…” Lena’s voice is soft, vulnerable in a way she rarely ever hears with anyone else. “Kara, come on. It’s not that bad. I mean, so what if my best friend lied to me for months and led me to believe that I had more than one person in my corner that I wasn’t paying? It happens to everyone.”

Kara snorts, looks up at her shyly. She doesn’t know how to do this, doesn’t know how to navigate the kind of things that friends like Lena do without Alex, without Lucy. They would know how to do this, how to deal with Lena as she drinks scotch out of a wine glass while sarcasm drips from her tongue.

Kara raises an eyebrow at that, motions to the glass in her hand. Lena’s laugh is something precious, something she hoards when she hears it and now makes no difference, makes her long to be the cause of it again and again as she listens to her.

“I’ve had a long day and this was closest.”

She looks down, wonders how much of it is her fault, how much of it can be attributed to the mess she’s made of leaving before they could properly gather enough evidence from the blast site. She knows that she shouldn’t have, but this is Alex. This is the only person in the world who matters to her more than anything else and she can’t just abandon her. She won’t abandon her, not even for Lena.

Still, she can’t look up, can’t face the things she’s done without that old feeling of failure, of not being enough. She doesn’t know what her friend thinks, doesn’t know if she can ever forgive her for the lies and the betrayal, and she’s not sure she wants to know. She’s not sure she wants to see the disappointment etched into her expression.

“Hey, I’m not mad, Kara.” Lena’s voice is low, soothing in that way she tends to get whenever Kara shows up after work, strung out and nervous because of Snapper. She’s grown more familiar with that voice than with Alex’s, and there’s a part of her that hurts at the realization, wonders when things had changed enough that it became true. “I’m hurt, but not mad. You did what you had to do.”

“A lie is still a lie, Lena, and this one is more than just a betrayal. I…you thought I didn’t trust you.” She wrings her hands together, presses her fingers to one another. “You thought I was judging you based on your name but that wasn’t…wasn’t it.”

She moves her hand to push up her glasses, stops when she remembers that they’re not there. She’s not on earth anymore, doesn’t need to hide, but she’s still held together by the trappings of Kara Danvers, still wrapped up in the bindings of that identity and all that comes with it, all that defines her supposedly human alter ego.

She smiles at the thought, smiles bitterly as she wonders if she ever truly passed for human, for another one of the crowd. She wonders if she could do more than pass in image only, before shaking her head of such thoughts. Now isn’t the time, isn’t right for her to reflect on such things.

“I’m sorry I hid from you. I’m just…scared.”

Lena tilts her head, puts her glass down somewhere off camera. Kara can see her now, can see more than the limited box of the image on the screen.

Lena’s probably lounging on the couch, legs pulled up under her as she sits, allows herself to relax for the first time that day. She overworks herself, always goes above and beyond what’s required of her, but Kara’s place isn’t to make her stop, isn’t to pull her aside, to press lunch into her hands or make it so that she closes her eyes, moves away from the computer.

She used to be that for Alex, used to help her let go when she pushed herself too far. She used to be the voice of reason, the one who held her sister together when she fell apart the way Alex used to help her. She used to be the one who gave her the break she needed, the rest she never allowed herself to take.

“I must admit. It was…unsettling, and a little lonely to find out that I actually only have one friend in the city, but then you introduced me to Winn. That was…a revelation.”

Kara looks up at the slight hitch in her voice, is amused to see the colour in her cheeks. She’s never actually seen Lena look so embarrassed to admit something, but she thinks there’s something cute about it, something that would have Alex cooing before feeding her.

“Alex can’t cook,” she says out loud. “She’s really bad at it, as bad as I am at baking.”

Lena looks surprised. “I wasn’t aware that Agent Danvers could be bad at anything. I thought she was the most perfect human being you’d ever met?”

“She’s not!”

She raises an eyebrow, affects a demeanour that’s eerily similar to her own as she speaks.

“Alex is so perfect. She’s badass and amazing and everything I want to be when I grow up. I wish everyone was like her. She’s so caring and kind and she takes care of me so well.”

Kara blushes at her teasing, sinks into herself a little in a foolish attempt to hide the flush on her cheeks. She knows how she talks about Alex, knows that sometimes she sounds like a starstruck child when she speaks, but to have it thrown back at her like this makes her feel embarrassed, makes her want to hide away from the things she’s been trying to deny.

She doesn’t speak for a while, tries to gather herself together. That Lena gives her time to do this is a blessing, is something she won’t forget any time soon. She’s always doing this, always mindful of the way she needs space, needs time to think, to exist. It reminds her of Alex, of the way she’s always doing all of these little things for Kara. It reminds her of the way she cares, the way she loves and needs to help.

She sighs, looks at Lena closely again. The circles under her eyes are only just there, her makeup barely doing anything to hide them, while her body is slumped now, sagging against the couch as she looks off into the distance idly. She wishes she could hug her, that she could take on whatever is weighing her down at the moment, but she can’t. She’s too far away, too distant from Lena to be able to do anything for her.

She can’t take the burden of the Luthor name away from her no matter how much she wants to. She understands all too well the burden of that kind of legacy, the way it eats away at you until there’s nothing left but this ideal that rings hollow in the dark of the night when she tries to find the person she was meant to be. She understands what it means to have to live up to a legacy that never seems to give her the kind of satisfaction she used to have.

“You should sleep more,” she says instead. “I know I can’t actually make you do anything, but please? It sucks knowing that I can’t give you a hug and make you rest right now.”

Lena smiles softly at her, gives her something close to the kind of look she’s used to getting from the people who care for her. That she’s one of them now still confuses Kara, makes her wonder if she’s good enough to deserve her attention like this.

“I appreciate the concern, but my best friend is travelling through space to destinations unknown. I’m allowed to worry a little bit.”

“Just a little bit?” She smiles, looks away shyly. “I don’t really think that it’s worth losing your sleep over. I’ll be fine.”

Lena snorts. “Darling, unless you’re going to another system with a yellow sun, you won’t be fine. You’ll be powerless with only Mon-El to help you. Somehow, I don’t think that’s enough to stop me from thinking of your safety for much longer.”

“He’s not so bad now.”

“But can you tell me that you believe he’ll be there to help you? That he’ll step up and take Alex’s place by your side if the need arises?”

Kara opens her mouth to deny it, to say that he’s reliable, but she can’t. When she thinks about it, she can’t say that she can count on him when it matters, can’t count on him to be there the way Alex would, to sacrifice himself for the greater good, for _her,_ the way Alex always does.

She looks down at that, wonders when she’d placed so much trust in someone who doesn’t deserve any of it, wonders when she’d fooled herself into thinking that Mon-El had changed. She wonders when everything had become so hard, had spiraled so far out of her control that she’s up here again, that she’s plunging into the unknown in a way that she hasn’t since she was a child.

It makes her shake, scares her more than she wants to admit, but she can’t stop herself from feeling like this. The old panic starts to come back, starts to break through her bones into her blood, and all she can do is hold onto the chair she’s in, hold on so hard that it hurts.

She doesn’t want to think about it now, doesn’t want to face the fact that she may have made a mistake, that she might have done something that she can’t take back, can’t stop herself from trusting the wrong people. She doesn’t want to believe that he would abandon her because that means there was never anything worth staying for, anything worth coming all this way for in the first place.

“You’ll get her back.” Lena’s voice cuts through the haze, causes her to look up sharply. “You’ll get Alex back and then you’ll come home and we’ll celebrate together. You’ve yet to introduce her to me properly, you know.”

Kara snorts. “You’ve met her already. According to Alex, you’re a good shot, even if you missed.”

Lena huffs. “I didn’t miss. I just wasn’t aiming to kill. Just because I have a gun…”

Kara watches with amusement as she rolls her eyes and starts to grumble to herself. Conversations like this make her miss Alex the most, make her wish that she was here to share in this, to tease Lena with her. She notices Lena’s drooping, sighs as she waves a hand to get her attention.

“I should go, but promise me you’ll get some sleep? You look like you might die on that couch.”

“I wish. It’s comfy enough for it.” She yawns, smiles one last time. “I’ll talk to you some more tomorrow, darling. Good luck.”

Then the screen goes blank.

**Author's Note:**

> Space road trip! I was going to write this like Alice Isn't Dead but that would require them to be married for that level of bitter want. Ah well, maybe another AU another time.
> 
> On Mon-El: You don't like canon Mon-El, I don't like canon Mon-El, so I have a proposal. Write the man you'd want him to be. Write him in a way he's worthy to stand in Kara's inner circle. For me? That means they're friends and he's drastically different from the show. In this Daxam isn't a slave trading planet. They're xenophobic and isolationist descendents of Krypton, which is closer to the comics, if I recall correctly. Also, he's gay. No Karamel romance in this.


End file.
